Down and downer

I had this post written earlier in my head and now it doesn't come easily for me.

I had gone to a Beth Moore Bible study last night at my church and was feeling very lost and alone.

The topic was inheritance. How in God's word it says that I am an heir with Christ. We discussed afterwards how sometimes you just don't feel this way or that and that is when you have to just believe the Words of God, even if you don't feel that way.

Well, what if you can't even just believe that anymore. What if, you don't trust those words any longer. So what if God says he will never leave us of forsake us, if I feel left or forgotten, that makes it awfully hard to trust and believe then doesn't' it.

What if God says He will give us the desires of our hearts, but the waiting period has been too long and you have lost the joy. What if it just takes too long and in the process you just can't take another step in any direction because you don't even know which way to turn. Each seemingly good step has turned out badly, each place you turn looks worse off than where you are standing, so why bother anymore.

That is where I am today. I'm only here because there isn't any where else to go. I'm only existing because it is better than the alternative.

The Bible says, (I even hesitate right now to say 'God's Word', because I'm not really sure if it is God's word.) that he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, that he has resources that we can never even fathom. So why are we sitting here after 11 months of unemployment, still no job, no direction, no income.

What would you have us to do, God? Are you even there? Do my prayers and groanings and petitions heavenward even make it past the ceiling?

What if there isn't anyone bigger than me running the universe? What if God doesn't even care? Has he just created us and then left us to our own devices?

This may all sound terribly blasphemous, but that's where I am today. Maybe I've listened too much to Job's friends, that they are filling my head with lies and doubts, maybe it's just me. But I'm not sure the path we are on is the way to go. What if God never has anything better in store for us than to just scrape by, never have even enough to pay the bills, always be late on payments, always having bill collectors calling. I can't believe that that is God's best for us. Yet, that is where we seem to be.

So does that mean that I am not in the center of God's will? Does that mean that we have gotten off track somewhere? Does that mean that the desires of our hearts, specifically to serve and minster to soldiers and their families as a Chaplain and his wife, are never to be?

I'm tired of getting nothing for an answer. I'm tired of hearing "just wait, God will provide." I'm tired of hearing "all in God's time." What if, he doesn't have a time line for us? What if he couldn't care less about Bear getting into the Army as a Chaplain. What if others have sabotaged things beyond repair? And who really cares anyway?