Monday, October 12, 2009

Beth, you've done it again...

Beth Moore you have once again chipped away at what's eating me.

Deep down in my heart of hearts, in the deep dark places of my soul, I am afraid that God is a taker and not a giver.

Beth, why is it that whatever I am feeling, comes out in your study. For instance; you say, "Sometimes when you want to go on the ride of your life with Jesus, you have to let go of where you are right now." (or somehing like that, ok, I'm not the fastest note-taker ever...) and this: "what is keeping us from the ride of our lives with God?

Ok, so, yes. I maybe having a hard time letting go of somethings. Well, like, income for instance, a house, schools for my kids...etc.

And another thing: Abraham didn't know beforehand that he wasn't going through with Isaac on the alter. But we do.

Hindsight is always 20/20. That's hard for me to put into perspective...how would I have handled the situation? Probably not without much screaming and falling on my face before God, and whining, and pouting, and generally carrying on like a spoiled brat!

POW!! Thunk! Arrow, swift to the target. Bull's eye!

That's the problem right there. I'm afraid of the test. I'm afraid that God is a taker, not a giver. I'm afraid that the path He has called us to walk will require too much of me. Oh, my! There's another one! I'm afraid that I will be pulled, literally, out by the roots. Asked to leave home, asked to move, asked to downsize, asked to transition.

Why can't we just BE!! For goodness sake? Change is hard and I don't like it.

So, Beth, since you seem to have a twitter acount with God, ask Him what He's doing...'cause, I don't have a clue.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Down and downer

I had this post written earlier in my head and now it doesn't come easily for me.

I had gone to a Beth Moore Bible study last night at my church and was feeling very lost and alone.

The topic was inheritance. How in God's word it says that I am an heir with Christ. We discussed afterwards how sometimes you just don't feel this way or that and that is when you have to just believe the Words of God, even if you don't feel that way.

Well, what if you can't even just believe that anymore. What if, you don't trust those words any longer. So what if God says he will never leave us of forsake us, if I feel left or forgotten, that makes it awfully hard to trust and believe then doesn't' it.

What if God says He will give us the desires of our hearts, but the waiting period has been too long and you have lost the joy. What if it just takes too long and in the process you just can't take another step in any direction because you don't even know which way to turn. Each seemingly good step has turned out badly, each place you turn looks worse off than where you are standing, so why bother anymore.

That is where I am today. I'm only here because there isn't any where else to go. I'm only existing because it is better than the alternative.

The Bible says, (I even hesitate right now to say 'God's Word', because I'm not really sure if it is God's word.) that he owns the cattle on a thousand hills, that he has resources that we can never even fathom. So why are we sitting here after 11 months of unemployment, still no job, no direction, no income.

What would you have us to do, God? Are you even there? Do my prayers and groanings and petitions heavenward even make it past the ceiling?

What if there isn't anyone bigger than me running the universe? What if God doesn't even care? Has he just created us and then left us to our own devices?

This may all sound terribly blasphemous, but that's where I am today. Maybe I've listened too much to Job's friends, that they are filling my head with lies and doubts, maybe it's just me. But I'm not sure the path we are on is the way to go. What if God never has anything better in store for us than to just scrape by, never have even enough to pay the bills, always be late on payments, always having bill collectors calling. I can't believe that that is God's best for us. Yet, that is where we seem to be.

So does that mean that I am not in the center of God's will? Does that mean that we have gotten off track somewhere? Does that mean that the desires of our hearts, specifically to serve and minster to soldiers and their families as a Chaplain and his wife, are never to be?

I'm tired of getting nothing for an answer. I'm tired of hearing "just wait, God will provide." I'm tired of hearing "all in God's time." What if, he doesn't have a time line for us? What if he couldn't care less about Bear getting into the Army as a Chaplain. What if others have sabotaged things beyond repair? And who really cares anyway?
 

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